Let it be known that I hate turkey sandwiches. Don't be fooled by the fact that they are my main form of sustenance, I really hate them, and if it weren't for the Pabst tall boy that accompanied each meal, I probably wouldn't be able to stomach them. I am, however, becoming a connossieur of cheap turkey slices. Initially, I went for the 89 cent Fred Meyer turkey, which came in a loaf. As I opened it some of its congealed turkey juice dripped on my foot, and if I recall correctly, I threw up a little in my mouth. Then, reluctant to be so high class as to actually go to the deli that is thirty feet from the lunch meat aisle, I went for the Healthy Choice turkey. It was better, but not worth the extra two dollars. Then the other day I saw a variety pack for a buck thirty. I thought "holy shit! Variety! I could use some variety in my turkey sandwiches." Unfortunately, I failed to read past that and realize that Foster Farms defines variety as: "(adj.): deviations from nature in the attempt to make a previously healthy meat less so, yet compensating for the additional 50% of fat and calories by ensuring that only 25% of the meat will actually grace the digestive tract, while the rest is regurgitated, discarded, or snubbed by the cat." I currently have a ziplock full of Turkey Ham, Turkey Salami, Turkey Bologna, and Turkey Pastrami and I need ideas on how to get rid of it since the cat won't touch it. So after that unpleasant learning experience, I think I've found the solution: Dagwood brand turkey. It's got a picture of Dagwood from the Blondie comic strip on it, so it has to be good. I'm not sure what sort of formal authority Dagwood has, but I vaguely recall him spending more than a little time on the couch, and I imagine that was the result of his turkey sandwiches, so thanks, Dagwood, for making this PBR not taste like rancid bologna.